I have a coworker who, every time she needs thirty seconds of my time, sends a message that reads like a hostage note written by someone sorry to be taking hostages.

Heyyy so sorry to bother you, I know you're swamped, this is probably a really dumb question and feel free to ignore, but whenever you maybe have a sec, no rush at all, could I possibly pick your brain about something? so sorry again!!

By the time I finish reading it I still have no idea what she wants, but I do feel vaguely responsible for her wellbeing. Which, I've come to think, is the problem with the entire genre. The apology doesn't make the ask smaller. It makes it bigger, slower, and somehow my job to manage.

Here's my unpopular position. The "sorry to bother you, probably a dumb question" padding is not politeness. It's anxiety wearing politeness as a coat. And it backfires twice: it makes you look less competent, not more, and it makes the favor harder to do, not easier.

Take the competence part first. A specific, confident question is what people who know their job sound like. "The export's timing out on files over 50MB, I've already tried chunking it, have you seen this?" That's someone with a grip on their work who hit a wall. Wrap that same question in three sorries and a "this is probably so dumb," and you've announced, before they've read a single real word of it, that you think you're out of your depth. They believe you. Why wouldn't they. You said it first.

Now the second cost, the one about making the favor harder. "Hey, you free for a sec?" feels gentle. It isn't. It forces a back and forth before the person even knows what they're agreeing to. They stop, reply, wait for your real question, then answer. You've turned a favor that takes thirty seconds into a three message negotiation. The vague, padded, no pressure version is the one that eats the most of their time. The blunt, specific one is the kindness.

So here's the message I wish she'd send:

Hey, quick one when you get a minute. The export keeps timing out on files over 50MB. I've tried chunking it and clearing the cache, no luck. Have you run into this? Async is fine.

Look at what that does. It says what's wrong, and it shows I already tried, so she's not wasting breath telling me to do the obvious thing. It hands me a clean yes or no way in, with the timing set low and not one apology attached. I can answer in fifteen seconds, between meetings, without feeling like I have to talk her off a ledge too.

The "I've already tried this" line is the one piece of padding worth keeping, because it does real work. It tells them you respect their time and spares them from suggesting the obvious things you already ruled out. Better still, it shows you're stuck, not lazy. That's the opposite of a dumb question. That's a good one.

Underneath all of this sits a belief that asking for help is an imposition you have to apologize your way through. Mostly it isn't. Most people like being asked something they know the answer to. It's a small, easy hit of feeling useful, and it costs them a fraction of what you picture. The burden you're bracing for lives almost entirely in your own head. The one version that does become a real burden is the message buried under so much "so sorry" that they have to dig out the question and reassure you on the way.

I'll admit the irony. The people who drown their messages in apology are usually the most conscientious ones, the people who tried for an hour before typing a word. The apology is impostor feeling in a polite costume. Which is why I'd retire it. Not to be bold. Because you come across better without it.

Ask the question. Say what you tried. Skip the funeral. They'll think more of you, not less.